“Moons of Our Complexions”- watercolor study
I cried this morning. And though these times have sprung a myriad of emotions, heartache, grief and nameless feels that could very well be the reason for tears, this cry was different. As if all of the concepts I’ve held on to as my personal truths are being challenged to transform and transcend. Many of my fixed sentiments about our world right now are scattered among notes, journals, tweets, texts, dreams so even in trying to compose a summary of what this experience has been from my point of view, the path may be convoluted. However, I’ve been moved to try to make sense of a senseless time and in doing so, I hope to lend comfort to anyone who receives it in knowing that you are not alone.
With gratitude, I can honestly say that I have no fear of any current events as it concerns policy or society. So much of what is taking place was already written or so far out of our control that harboring added stress only worsens us as individuals, which contributes to our demise as a whole. While honoring the absence of fear, understanding that fear and awareness are not synonymous is key as we continue to navigate this plane. I am a firm believer that heightened awareness actually reduces fear, thus reducing stress. By becoming aware of exactly what it is that we are afraid of, we are less likely to be mislead by smoke and mirrors.
If we use the current pandemic as an example, many takes that are influencing our fears as a collective have nothing to do with the Corona Virus itself. Instead I sense a fear of the unknown, which is truly a blanket for the way many of us have processed this sensation all of our lives. We are afraid for our loved ones, the time we must spend apart from them, the promise of death, our finances, our future, the seemingly endless pause on life that we have no control over, but most of all many of us are afraid of our very own selves. The time we’re spending in isolation is forcing us to sit still and come face to face with our suppressed thoughts. When its all said and done, the politics may have a lesser impact than the adverse mental and spiritual residue we will be left with.
My personal spar with anxiety has been a thing for years now. It comes and goes like a revolving door with no sign of completely ceasing to exist. Over time I’ve learned healthy ways to cope with it that are far more momentarily beneficial than the habits of my past. But a space and time like the present are perfect incubators for the kind of psyche that perpetuates anxiety, depression, phobias, not to mention a long list of other mental illnesses. Needless to say, over the last month I’ve experienced a cycle of crippling overthought that had become paralyzing just this past week. With all of the advice that I’ve been given, some of which I’ve adhered to while the rest I left with its source, I admit that overcoming overthinking is easier said than done. I’ve only reached my epiphanies in hindsight but in the moment the light is as distant and seemingly out of reach as the first time I ever felt this way.
Before mid-March I thought I had a grip on my own reality, and as someone who has always welcomed and in most cases preferred solitude, I would never have predicted that a stay-at-home order could cause me to spiral. When I look at the ways I embrace solitude, I am never as alone as it seems. I may take a drive, eat out by myself, or go to public gatherings without a friend beside me, but I always have the company of outer noise and comforting distractions. Although similar noise can be created within the confines of my own home, once I’ve run out of busy work, its just me and my ego facing off with each other and most of the time, I let her win. Her fight to keep things in order, to avoid pain, to know everything often makes way for multiple internal wars to commence within my brain. With my ego struggling to meet these demands, my spirit grows weary from neglecting the present moment. In the midst of this internal warfare, a word by my friend Monique Mitchell spoke to me,
“Imagine what we could grow into if we just stopped fighting our transformation. Once we allow an idea of ourselves born in the ego to disintegrate in the fire of truth, our true self arises. That part of us which is formless, infinite, unconquered. When we release the swaddling bands of our human imagination, we see fully our divinity.”
My spirit knows that currently, instead of order we have chaos, pain cannot be avoided in any lifetime, and there is no way to know the future until I arrive there. These are my present truths, all that is left is for me to surrender to my spirit and rest my ego.
Although I am still navigating my own complete surrender, I am aware that it requires a shift in perception. I surround myself with peers, friends and family that hold each other accountable, and in doing so I like to believe that most people in my immediate community tend to their own necessary introspection. One of my peers kindly reminded me that I have the power to affect change in response to an exclamation that nothing matters except our will to be alive. Context is everything, and in a way this could be received as if I could care less about what is happening in the world but it’s actually quite the opposite. Empathy has overwhelmed me at times. I’ve always had the gift of feeling other people’s pain as if it were my own. When the gift began to feel like a hindrance, wisdom came to me in the form of discernment. The ability to decipher what is mine and what is yours. I am still open and I still feel all the same, I just know now when the put down the load that doesn’t belong to me. In that same breathe, accepting the truth about the current state of the world and moving accordingly can affect positive change. Every form of activism does not have to be a crusade. Survival is the most important thing and in recognizing that many of us are lucky enough to have our basic survival needs met, we are able to extend an olive branch to those who may not. Letting go of anything extra can be difficult, especially without a strong sense of identity. The one solid piece of advice that I would want everyone reading this to remember is your identity is who you are, not what you do. When the world stands still as it is right now you have to know yourself well enough to detach from anything materialistic. That includes your job, trade, social media fame, belongings etc. because if all else fails, the core makeup of who you are is going to carry you through, not any self-assigned occupations or personas.
Society is collectively experiencing an event that is changing the world as we know it and those changes can either bring out the best or the worst in humanity. Though we all have our own worries, keep in mind those who are grieving, birthing, homeless, in abusive homes, or lacking basic needs. Natural inclinations to do small good deeds can be revolutionary. Through small gestures, we relinquish the burden of taking on problems that are out of our control and save room to be gentle with ourselves. Tending to our minds and spirits first clears the way of fear and welcomes awareness, leaving more capacity to love each other through our darkest moments. After all, the fear of things is often worse than the thing itself.
Love,
Annessa