Man oh man, 30 years navigating this crazy, amazing, unpredictable, electric, and loving life of mine. I spent the last few weeks in an anxious web because this day is supposed to be one of those days that you do the most for but instead I ended up going to work and that’s truly ok with me because I feel peace in my heart above all. I don’t really know what this was supposed to look like for me, celebrating a “golden” birthday in an extravagant way or planning for it or anything because everything in my life has always been based on a feeling. I wouldn’t know how to happily pre-plan a celebration because I can’t know how i will feel that day. And that’s sort of how I’ve learned to take control of my life, day by day. Moment by moment. A lot of the naivety of my 20s was thinking that I had to take on everything at once. Anticipating an array of alternate futures to the many layers of who I am, and bumping my head over hypotheticals when all that I’m called to do is be present. The other day someone told me that your 30’s are the best years because you magically start to give less fucks. I think that was a sigh of relief because of all the fucks I’ve given throughout nearly a third of my lifetime. How much I gave a fuck about my passions, my work, my family, where I’ll end up, who I’ll become, and about love —- All About Love.
I’ve fought so many internal wars over love and its tendency to mirror back to me turbulent lessons through the people I’ve chosen to love. I think in gradually learning to surrender the fight I’m beginning to allow for love to move through me, transform me, continue to nurture every stranger I meet in some way, and forgive myself for sometimes choosing desire masked as love over what I know to be righteous. When I was 28, I remember telling myself often that I finally felt like a grown woman, and it wasn’t because of any physical changes but because I finally felt a wisdom and validity of what I know. What I know now is that I will always be ok because God said so. I know the answers I seek live in my womb (intuition). I know that changes, losses, and new beginnings are only as hard as the grip you’re holding on with. I know that letting go only seems like a lifetime of pain until you finally do it and figure out you’re actually thriving. I know who my true friends are, and who they were even if we didn’t make it to today. I know that being human is a delicate thing and we have to understand that within this big life every little sub-life we share with a person is only about meeting where each other is currently at, and not who we were or will be. I know that we must give grace for the tools we lack and embrace the ones we’ll acquire.
I know a lot of things but to be honest the most important one is - I know I require long midday naps for optimal happiness…
A word of advice for anyone approaching their solar return:
Just go with what you know, and if you don’t know, don’t worry because worry is a waste of imagination.
Cheers.